


You in the Universe

by orphan_account



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Sexual Content, but with each other, not on each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 14:50:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9077344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Philip and Lukas break up when they're eighteen years old, but that doesn't keep them away from each other as they grow up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't agree with cheating or encourage it, but it made sense for the story. If that's not something you can handle, I totally understand. Just know it's with each other and not on each other. Philip and Lukas are 100% in love (not that that justifies it). Ok sorry I just had to explain myself.
> 
> Anyways this was fun to write. I love writing pain!

He always thought the hardest part of their relationship was admitting they were even in one.

Those were the days, now that he thinks about it.

When it was happening, all he wanted was to make it through the dark, into the clear, into the after, into just being together and nothing else would matter.

Now they’re here.

Philip always knew perfection did not exist, but he had hoped they could at least try.

He always liked to think of himself as aware, always thought that he had a better understanding of reality and relationships, more so than most people his age, despite never having been in a relationship before.

He was just a witness.

He watched his mom go through her boyfriends, the two or three that he can remember. He remembers hating every time his mom would apologize for something she shouldn’t have had to apologize for, hating when her boyfriends would yell or shout or say things they shouldn’t be saying. It was part of being in a relationship, he figured. Couples fight.

Even couples like Gabe and Helen, who at first glance looked like the beginnings of a picture perfect family, but they weren’t. Philip watched many fights come to a head, watched as Gabe would sigh and grab Helen’s face, press a kiss to her forehead before grabbing a blanket and taking it to the couch for the night.

In the morning, over breakfast, everything was always back to normal.

Couples fight.

He knew this already.

So when he and Lukas get into their first real argument, Philip thinks for sure it’ll pass. That’s what he tells himself, in the back of his mind, as things begin to escalate into something much more dark and scarring. He starts to shout words he doesn’t mean, not wanting to say them but needing to say them, because Lukas is yelling right back. He has to fight him. He can’t let Lukas get to him.

Along with his reminder that couples fight, there’s another thought lingering in the back of his mind - this isn’t how couples should work.

“Arizona? You’re going to Arizona?”

He’s asked it a million times already, shouted it, repeated it in his head, angry and hurt and blindsided.

“I told you, it’s not official yet,” Lukas says, in a voice that’s strung too tight, on the verge of snapping. “But this could be huge, Philip.”

“I - what about - school? We were supposed to -”

_We were supposed to go together, be together._

They had plans. Barely there plans, because seventeen year olds shouldn’t make plans to spend the rest of their life with somebody because that’s crazy, but he thought - he hoped -

They could try.

“You’re not listening. I could be like, the next Carey Hart.”

Lukas is grabbing his shoulders and Philip is dull and dead in his hands, not responding, not looking up. There’s something collapsing in his chest. It feels grey and rotting. It feels like dread.

“Why can’t you just be Lukas?” he asks, miserable, said to his own feet.

Lukas slowly takes his hands away. “I thought you’d be supportive about this.”

“I just thought -” I thought too much. “I thought we were going to go away together.”

It’s a stupid admission. When he says it he knows he can never look Lukas in the eyes again, so he doesn’t, and he turns his whole body away and feels the fight strum against his spine like he’s an instrument.

More words are said. Even more words are yelled. At one point he has to push Lukas away from him because he can’t have him close anymore.

He thinks it’ll get better. That’s what happens in relationships. You fight and then it gets better.

But the next time he sees Lukas, and nothing is said, and nothing is mended, and everything is broken strings and smashed glass between them, Philip thinks it might be over.

Because when Lukas presses a kiss to Philip’s temple, he sighs a little, a small exhale at the end.

One of defeat.

And Philip has no more fight left in him to keep going.

-

It is the end. Sort of.

Philip goes to school on his own, not far from home, but far, far away from Lukas. There’s a sick feeling in his gut, that makes his blood pump faster, and makes his heart race constantly, and makes him feel like the last place in the world he should be in is school. But because Helen and Gabe are paying for it, and because they’re supporting him, he goes.

And Lukas goes to Arizona to join a motocross team, with professional sponsorships and all that jazz that Philip couldn’t care less about, because it’s all what Lukas cares more about.

Philip loves him, so he lets him go.

It’s just very hard. He won’t admit it, he won’t tell a soul, he won’t even say it to himself, but god, it’s hard. A new school with new people, and he is so alone, with nothing but his memories to turn to.

Nothing but his memories, that are filled with one person, and now that one person is gone . . .

They still try. Lukas is all that Philip has left, the only good memory still living, so Philip tries.

But hour long Skype conversations trickle down into five minute long conversations. There’s so much to say, so much to talk about, to catch up on, but it only tears Philip apart, because none of it is together.

None of those conversations ever end well.

One weekend, in the middle of fall, Lukas comes home, and Philip wants to be overjoyed, and he wants to show everyone his boyfriend, and he wants to kiss Lukas everywhere - but he suddenly doesn’t feel the point, because Lukas will just have to leave.

They go to a party. Philip drinks a bit too much, so much that he can’t control the words coming out of his mouth, can’t stop from slurring and swearing and saying to Lukas, “You shouldn’t - you shouldn’t have gone to - Arizona.”

You ruined everything.

We’re never gonna make it.

“Philip, I came all this way to see you, can’t we just - be cool?” Lukas pleads, running his hands up and down Philip’s arms, and Philip doesn’t recognize his touch or the look in his eyes. He doesn’t know him at all anymore.

“You messed _everything_ up.”

He yells it, to make sure Lukas hears it.

Lukas must, because he turns around and leaves, and he doesn’t come back.

That’s when Philip learns.

All couples fight, but not all make up.

-

Still.

When he gets that phone call at 3:00 AM a couple months later, and Lukas’ name is coming up on the screen, Philip doesn’t hesitate in answering.

“Lukas? What’s up?” he asks, a bit out of breath, heart now racing, loud enough to wake up the rest of the world.

He wants to say a million things immediately; help me, I can’t do this, I miss you, I’m sorry, why can’t we -

But he doesn’t say those things, because if Lukas is calling him at 3:00 AM, then it must be the same for him, too.

“Sorry,” Lukas begins, and the warmth and roughness and the soft slide of his voice already has Philip smiling. “I know I shouldn’t - sorry, you were probably sleeping.”

He doesn’t sleep much anymore, but he doesn’t say that, either. “What’s wrong?”

“I just - can’t sleep.”

Something in Philip’s chest untwists upon hearing that. “Talk to me,” he says, voice lowering, as he slips back down into bed.

“There’s not even anything wrong, I guess. My whole life kinda feels like a really good dream . . . I just keep waiting for it all fall apart,” Lukas says, whispering, and Philip doesn’t have to be looking at him to know the expression on his face. “I’m just waiting for the nightmares to come back.”

“The ones like before?”

“Yeah.”

Not another soul out there in the world knows, understands, it’s just them. So even though Philip is hurt, and he doesn’t want to hear about the good dreams of Lukas’ life, he knows what’s needed from him, so he gives it.

Pushing aside his longing and his hurt, he takes a deep breath in and says, “It’s over.” He’s talking about two different things. “You’re safe now.”

Lukas repeats, in a low chant, “I’m safe now.”

“Nothing like that will ever happen again.”

There’s a pause, and when Lukas speaks again, he sounds ten years younger than he is. “Promise?”

Philip can’t promise that, but for Lukas, he’ll try.

“I promise.”

“Thanks. Sorry for -”

“It’s fine.”

Just stay on the line. Just don’t hang up. Just don’t let this be over.

“It’s just, you’re the only one who would ever answer.”

Philip has to shut his eyes tight, and bite his lip, and keep all his words from spilling out.

“I get it,” he whispers. “I’m here.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

When they hang up, Philip knows it won’t be the last time he hears from Lukas at 3:00 AM.

But it still won’t last forever.

-

In the beginning of sophomore year, it all comes to a head. He just can’t do it. He can’t sit in a class and pretend he’s fine when really it feels like he’s drowning, and he can’t handle the stress of the work and the expectations and the fact that it could all be for nothing. He can’t run down a path he wasn’t meant for, isn’t prepared for, for a finish line that might not even be there.

He drops out.

And he can’t quite look Helen and Gabe in the eye when he tells them.

And he does not tell Lukas.

There’d be no point. If they were anything, if they were something lasting, then maybe Philip would. But Lukas is just another person passing by in Philip’s life, so he doesn’t.

Helen helps him find work, using word of mouth to put it out there that he’s a photographer, and soon enough he’s taking pictures for local businesses, then the newspaper, and then after a little bit, he finds work closer to the city.

Then in the city.

Then soon enough he can afford to live in the city.

Then soon enough, he’s got a new life, and he begins to forget about the one he left behind in Tivoli, the one he wanted to build with Lukas Waldenbeck.

Or, at least -

He tries.

-

Somebody flirts with him on set one day, touches the small of his back, the crook of his elbow, and Philip’s first instinct is to tell him ‘I have a boyfriend’ but he doesn’t, and he hasn’t in over a year now.

He hates that even after all this time, he still wants it to be Lukas and he wants those hands to be Lukas’ hands.

He hates that even being almost twenty years old, he still has nightmares that leave him so rattled he has to sleep with the TV on. He hates that when he’s laying in bed alone he can sometimes feel Lukas’ body, and he still feels the urge to curl into him and be safe.

No other person can give that to him. Even though the boy on set was cute, and nice, and could be _something_ , he wouldn’t be Lukas, and he won’t share what he’s been through.

No other choice, no other person, Philip makes his decision, and picks up his phone, and calls Lukas.

It does something weird to Philip’s heart when Lukas answers on the first ring.

“Philip?”

“. . . hey.”

“. . . hi?”

“How - how are you?” Time is supposed to heal things, mend things, make things fade, but hearing Lukas voice just takes him back to simpler days, to wrapping his arms around Lukas’ waist as they rode through the woods, to lunch times spent up on the roof of the school, to kissing in the barn where they were sure nobody could ever find them.

He nearly breaks.

“I’m good,” Lukas says, and though his voice brings back all those memories, he now also sounds older, more mature. It’s only been a year, but maybe that’s just how fast you’re meant to grow up. “I’m in Tivoli right now, actually, to visit my dad. What about you?”

Knowing Lukas is closer than he’s been in months - it puts weight on Philip’s heart, makes the longing feel like it’s stinging. “I’m _not_ in Tivoli,” he says, laughing. “So I’m good, too.”

“Where are you?” Lukas asks, and there’s alarm in his voice.

“The city.”

The alarm rings louder. “What about school?”

Philip turns in his bed, starts to pick at the sheet underneath him, has to shut his eyes as he whispers, “I, uh, dropped out.”

“What?” Lukas immediately shouts, and it presses down on his chest, mixing in with everyone else’s disappointment in him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think I had to,” Philip snaps, not actually annoyed that Lukas is asking, just annoyed that -

That he could have said something, but he didn't.

“What happened?”

He hasn’t actually told anybody the why’s yet, why he couldn’t stay, why he had to get out. Lukas should be the last person he tells, but he says it anyway. “Couldn’t handle it. It just wasn’t for me.”

Lukas lets out what sounds like a sigh, and then his voice is back into gentle, into soothing. “Are you alright?”

 _No_ , he wants to say. _And I haven’t been in a while._ Instead he laughs, and shuts his eyes again, and says, “Yeah, I’m great.”

Lukas laughs too, an odd, awkward chuckle. “Then why are you calling me?”

He sucks his breath in, thinks about it, and slowly lets it out. “I just need something familiar.”

“Cool.” Lukas begins to hum, seemingly thinking, then says slowly, “I, uh, won my first cup last month.”

Philip grins, but doesn’t open his eyes, and just imagines Lukas really is right here with him. “Wow, a whole cup?”

Lukas’ laugh turns loud. “Shut up, you know what I mean.”

“That’s awesome,” he says, voice beginning to quiet down into a low mumble. “You’re really on your way to becoming Carey Hart.”

There’s silence.

Then there’s Lukas saying, “I guess. Still kinda trying to figure out who Lukas even is.”

Philip feels almost sleepy now, a feeling he hasn’t had the luxury of feeling in ages, could just shut his eyes and fall asleep and be completely okay . . .

“Well, when you find him, tell him . . . tell him I miss him.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said it, but he feels too safe to care.

Lukas laughs a little again, more sad than happy, more secret than shameful.

“Yeah, sure.”

-

He doesn’t contact Lukas for a while after that, and Lukas doesn’t contact him.

A long while.

Long enough, that when that guy from set asks him out, he says yes, and he actually kind of has fun.

He actually kind of doesn’t wish the guy were Lukas.

Kind of.

It just always comes back to him though, no matter what Philip does. Sometimes being in a crowded room or tight space brings him back to several terrifying moments. Sometimes loud noises make him jump. Sometimes he swears he sees things. Sometimes, a lot of the times, he just wants his mom.

And this guy just doesn’t relate, can’t relate, because he wasn’t there.

Philip still tries. Nobody has ever actually cared about him, or wanted to care about him, in a very long time. It’s filling a void that can’t really be filled. It helps him sleep at night.

On the second date he plays the ‘three things’ game with him, and for some reason he expects the same answers he heard on the streets of New York, so many years ago. He doesn’t get them.

That opens the void.

He doesn’t sleep that night, and instead finds Lukas’ contact name in his phone, and sends him a text message.

(Because he would feel guilty if he called. There’s somebody else’s voice in his head right now, and for once it isn’t Lukas’.)

_Next time you’re home can we meet up for coffee?_

His heart doesn’t dare beat until a few minutes later, when his phone is buzzing in response.

_You know I don’t like coffee Philip._

_Can it be hot chocolate??_

Philip grins, and clutches his phone close to his chest, and falls asleep just so he can get to tomorrow faster, because tomorrow is one day closer to him.

-

The bike engine, and how loud it was, used to shock Philip. It would make his stomach feel bottomless, make every vein fill with suspense.

It has the same effect still, all these years later, as he hears it revving down the street.

He stands on the curb outside his apartment building, rocking onto his tiptoes, anxiously waiting but trying to remain cool.

How do you remain cool when you’re about to see the guy who -

Lukas is a lot of things to him. Was a lot of things to him.

Philip’s spent the past two years trying to file him away into a certain category, because knowing what he’s letting go of might help him let go faster, but he hasn’t been able to come up with any one certain thing.

But then the bike gets louder, and then Lukas Waldenbeck, now twenty years old, is right in front of him, taking off his helmet and smiling wide at Philip in a way no seventeen year old ever could smile. This smile shows his age, his maturity, how much time has passed since they’ve last seen each other.

It’s then that Philip realizes exactly what Lukas is to him.

Something he will forever want, but never be able to have.

“Lukas,” he says, a bit out of breath, as he steps off the curb and closer, until he can throw his arms around him.

“Philip, man, it’s good to see you,” Lukas says, sounding like he’s talking to a long lost friend, and not somebody he used to be in love with. “Did you get shorter?”

Philip laughs, his insides already buzzing, his heart thrumming in a new beat. “Oh, so you’re funny now?”

“I always have been,” Lukas says, still grinning, still -

Philip realizes then that Lukas still has his hands on him, holding him around his arms. He doesn’t pull away.

“So, there’s a good coffee shop a few blocks from here. We could walk.”

“What, you don’t wanna ride with me anywhere?” Lukas asks, teasingly.

Philip thinks but doesn’t say, _anywhere you want to go, I’ll go, too._

Because it’s not true.

“Have anywhere in mind?”

“Nah,” Lukas says, shrugging, reaching for his extra helmet. “I just wanna ride with you.”

“Okay.”

Lukas helps him put the helmet on, even though Philip knows how to do it still, couldn’t ever forget. Then he’s sitting behind Lukas, and he swears Lukas has gotten bigger, stronger, sturdier. There’s more for Philip to grab onto. There’s more holding Philip up.

Yet he still feels seventeen, and so does Lukas, the second the bike starts up, and Lukas dashes off into the city.

Philip clings on tighter, never wanting to let go.

-

Sitting across from Lukas is - weird.

They stare at each other, like the rest of the world is unmoving and grey and all that’s left in colour is their faces. Lukas’ foot keeps bumping his, and his fingers keep finding their way to Philip’s.

Anyone watching them would think they’ve been together for years, and not separated for just as many.

Philip keeps thinking, keeps telling himself to stop. He has an unanswered text from that boy. He should answer it. He should tell Lukas about him.

He doesn’t.

They talk. Philip skims over the harsher aspects of being a college dropout, and delves into the details of being a freelance photographer, how much freedom he has, how much happier he is, despite living in a shoebox and barely making rent.

Lukas tells him about his touring, his competitions, the cool cities he’s gotten to travel to, the celebrities he’s met. He shows him pictures that professional photographers have taken of him, and Philip feels something pang in his chest.

Two separate lives that could have been together.

Why didn’t they make it together?

What even made them want to part?

Philip can’t remember, not when Lukas is smiling and leaning closer and closer over the table to him, until they’re close enough to whisper and laugh and touch hands and twine fingers.

Lukas then mentions getting an apartment in the city. A place he could call home now that his career is stabilizing, and be close enough to his dad, and still enter major competitions, and be able to travel anywhere he needs to go instantly.

Philip squirms in his seat when he says that, because the reason they didn’t last was because Lukas left.

(Because all they had in common was something that shouldn’t have ever happened to them, and that’s all that connects them now.)

That’s why this feels so right, so safe. Lukas’ hand over his feels like the whole world has stilled, and it’s only because that same hand saved his life. That’s it.

“Would that be okay?”

Lukas is staring at him, and there’s a battle in Philip’s head. _Yes no yes no_. It doesn’t even matter to him though, because Lukas isn’t an option anymore, so he shrugs and says, “Whatever you want.”

Lukas licks over his lips, nods, then turns his gaze to the coffee shop, no longer making eye contact.

“So, are you seeing anybody?” Lukas asks, voiced to the room mostly, as if he’s just praying Philip will hear. “I mean like - is anyone -”

“No,” he says instantly, feeling the sudden purpose, drive and meaning that’s thriving through Lukas’ skin. “Are you?”

Lukas finally looks back at him, and his expression is entirely unreadable. “No.”

Then all it takes is a nod.

-

Because before Philip can even blink, he’s in his room, up against the door with Lukas between his legs, holding him up, his hands spread out under his ass and digging in. He’s moaning, he knows that, and saying every word he shouldn’t say.

“Missed you.”

“Hate you.”

“Why did you have to leave, Lukas?”

And then he’s being pushed down on his back, and Lukas is above him, sliding his hands under his shirt and along his chest and is mumbling back, “I’m sorry.” and “I don’t know.” and “Please, Philip.”

Philip quickly forgets about everything else, every other problem, every other person. With Lukas in him and covering him and breathing hard by his ear, Philip feels pieced back together, whole, like something that’s not shattered.

It happens so quick and rough - not to hurt each other, and not because they don’t want it - but because they both need as much as they can get, as soon as they can get it.

Lukas has red scratch marks etched across his back.

Philip’s throat feels hoarse and raw, from everything he said and how loud he said it.

There’s also the burning desire and the stinging stretch, a reminder of Lukas even after he pulls away when he’s finished.

Getting dressed, all Philip feels is dread, because that shouldn’t have happened, and it won’t ever again, because it won’t lead to anything. They were meant to go nowhere.

So he says the one thing he swore he would never tell Lukas, the one thing that he should have told Lukas from the beginning.

“I lied.”

Lukas is still zipping up his jeans, giving Philip a weird look. “About what?”

“I lied,” Philip says again, to his hands. “I am seeing someone.”

“ _What?_ ” Lukas yells, panicked, taking a step back. “You’re - what?”

It hurts to hear and it hurts to see, but he knows he needs Lukas angry at him, he needs Lukas to never want to look at him again.

“It’s not like, official or anything, but -”

“So you’re -” Lukas shuts his eyes, and covers his face with his hands, and lets out a shuddery breath. “Philip . . .”

He wants to apologize, but he’s not sorry, even though he should be.

He wants to reach out to Lukas for more, and tell him that no other person will ever make him feel the way Lukas just did, just now, on this bed.

Instead he slips his fingers into the pocket of his jeans, and says, “I got you something. Hold out your hand.”

Lukas looks up then, and takes a step closer, hesitantly raising a hand.

Philip tries to smile, and gives Lukas a small sugar packet, stolen from the coffee shop. He meant something different with it when he took it. He’s not sure what he’s saying with it now.

Lukas laughs, small and choked back, and uses his other hand to cup Philip’s chin and draw his mouth closer to his to kiss.

Whatever he was saying, Lukas must hear it.

And Philip tells himself when Lukas leaves, that that was it, out of his system, they’re done now, no more.

He doesn’t know how to do that, though.

But he’ll try.

-

After a month, nearly two months, he gives in and he sleeps with the guy, because he decides he actually wants to.

He doesn’t think about Lukas.

A few months after that, he meets his parents, goes to their house, has dinner, finds that he really can belong to another family again.

He doesn’t think about Lukas.

A few days after that, it’s whispered into his ear, something he has always wanted to hear -

_I love you._

Philip can’t say it back.

Because he thinks about Lukas.

He smiles and laughs and kisses him with as much affection as he can muster, pretends he’s saying it back with the touch of his hands and the press of his lips, but he isn’t.

Later that night, when his boyfriend is sleeping, Philip slips out onto the patio, shuts the door and shuts his current world out because he needs to go back to his old one. He makes the call, brings the phone up to his ear, exhales heavily as the line rings, and rings, and rings.

Lukas always answers on the first ring.

He ends the call and lets out another shuddery breath, inhales desperately, so scared.

So scared, because when he tries to call again, it goes straight to voicemail.

He curses, loud into the night, and nearly lets his phone drop to the ground. So angry. So hurt. Lukas is supposed to answer, it’s what they do, it’s what they are. One of them calls and one of them will answer. It’s all Philip knows, even when he knows nothing.

He writes out a thousand different texts, his fingers going numb from the cold, but he can’t go back inside to his boyfriend.

But he can’t send any of the texts, either. He can’t say any of that. That’s not what they do, or what they are, because they can’t be.

He wishes he knew from the moment he met Lukas. He wishes he understood.

A little warning would’ve been nice, some sort of sign that he could read.

A simple, _I am going to leave you, sorry if it bleeds._

He deletes the text that he had written, and then deletes Lukas’ number from his phone, and then he goes back inside and into bed with his boyfriend, and in the morning he says those three words right back.

One day he’ll actually mean them.

-

He’s good at remembering dates. The significance of the events of a day stick to their number and imprint on his brain, so he can never forget. Almost every month now, he has some sort of anniversary to celebrate or dread.

September twenty-seventh was the day he dropped out of college.

January thirteenth was the day Gabe and Helen told him they were going to foster another child.

August twenty-first was the day Lukas left for Arizona, all those years ago.

And April seventh was the day it all fell apart, all of it, every single thing, everything he knew and held onto and had. That was the day his mom died.

Usually, like he has for the past few years, he pretends he’s fine, and goes about his day, and prays that nobody notices that he can’t quite smile and he can’t quite say anything.

He can’t quite do that today.

Because this year makes it five years, and five years a very long time. That’s half a decade. That’s starting as a child and ending as an adult, all without ever hearing her voice, or feeling her love, so is he really an adult? Aren’t kids supposed to grow up with the help of their parents?

Five years of changing and growing, and smiling but lying.

Five years since he and Lukas had first -

It’s not his choice. He doesn’t wake up and debate about it, he just does it, he just picks up his phone and calls Gabe and says, “I need you to call Bo, and get Lukas’ address for me.”

He’s never said a word to Gabe about anything, about any of it, about their fallout and their attempts at reconciliation. Gabe knows nothing, yet he still asks, “Are you sure, son?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he says, because it’s been five years and he’s old enough to make his own damn decisions.

He just wishes he could hold onto that confidence, as he stands in front of Lukas’ apartment building, ready to buzz the intercom. He’s so afraid his knees are shaking.

He doesn’t have a choice. Lukas is the only one who knows what this date means, what it is, what happened between them. He’s the only one that Philip can be near and be himself and not be fine.

The seconds between rings last an eternity. Lukas answers with, “Yeah?” and Philip says, “It’s me.” and then he’s being buzzed in. Then he makes his way up, and up, and up.

Until he’s in front of Lukas’ door and his knees are shaking more.

The opening of the door feels sort of like the opening of his heart. He has no idea what’s going to come out.

“Philip?” Lukas says, shocked, standing there looking more confused and lost than Philip feels. “What the hell?”

If he had something planned to say, he forgets it, because all he can do is break down and break open and let out some sad, pathetic cry, already reaching out for Lukas.

“Lukas, it’s -”

Realization sets across Lukas’ face, and immediately, like he hadn’t ignored Philip’s calls, he’s opening his arms for him and pulling him inside that open door, shutting it behind them.

He’s not making sense, not even to himself, mumbling words and crying but trying not to cry, all against Lukas’ chest. Lukas does what Philip hopes he was going to do, and holds him close, lays them down, rubs his hands up and down his back and says in a low murmur, “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Philip doesn’t dare think, _but not for long, not forever._

Instead of hiding himself away inside his own head, he hides himself against Lukas, presses his face against his neck and focuses on the very real, firm, physical touch of Lukas’ hands against his back. With those hands, Lukas wipes away the five years, makes time not exist anymore, makes the longing and hurt and want _pause_.

But it’s not a permanent stop.

“You stopped answering your phone,” Philip says dully, once the tears have subsided and he finds the strength to speak.

Lukas chuckles, warm against Philip’s temple. “You have a boyfriend.”

“I’d answer you.”

Lukas doesn’t respond right away, taking the moment to press his lips to Philip’s skin, then says in a whisper, “Well, I’m answering now.” He pulls a little at Philip’s body, trying to match them up closer on the couch, trying to make them one again, maybe. “So . . . what’s his name?”

Philip smiles, because Lukas’ voice is pitched softer, but it still sounds almost aggressive - possessive.

“Dylan.”

“Dylan?” Lukas asks, sneering, giving his head a shake. “That’s such a douchebag name.”

Philip laughs. “He’s really nice.”

It feels good to talk after crying, it feels freeing, it feels like he can almost breathe.

“How’d you meet?”

“Through work.”

There’s no pause, not in words, but Philip swears he can feel the way Lukas’ heart stutters under his.

“Do you love him?”

Philip leans up off of Lukas to really look at him, and says with his eyes, _not like you._

And he says with his words, “Yeah, I do.”

Lukas doesn’t smile, but doesn’t frown, and instead nods a little, then pulls Philip closer.

-

It’s gonna fester and build and turn into something black and bleak and rotting.

He can already feel it happening. He has to tell him, he has to say that when he was seventeen, he witnessed a murder, and it very nearly ruined his entire life, and even though the case has been solved, it still threatens to take over everything with its wreck.

For some reason, he can’t. It’s the biggest part of him, shaped his every cell, it’s in his every breath, so he should be able to tell.

But it’s also something he shares with Lukas, and he sort of wants to keep it that way. He could tell a million people his secret, and maybe they would care, but they wouldn’t get it the way Lukas does.

So when he has a breakdown, when one day he just can’t do it, and he has to lock himself up in the bathroom with the shower running and the tap turned on, and Dylan is outside the door, knocking and asking him, “What’s wrong?” -

He lies and says, “Nothing. Don’t worry.”

It’s just not fair. They work together so well. His weaknesses are his strengths, and his jokes are met with laughs, and his smile is met with an ‘I love you’ and their fights always end up mended.

The one thing Dylan’s missing is the one and only thing that Lukas has.

The one thing that Lukas can give him.

It’s the only thing that Philip really wants.

So he keeps the secret theirs.

-

Helen invites him out to lunch, and after the usual bout of polite conversation, she asks him about Dylan.

“He’s great. He got me a gig next week for a fashion spread. I won’t have to worry about rent for like, two months.”

She smiles, and nods, and then asks her next question like she’s inquiring about the weather; “And how is Lukas?”

This doesn’t blindside Philip the way it should. He just glances at her, half a smirk twitching at his lips. “I think he’s good,” he says, even though he’s not really sure if that’s true.

Helen smiles again and doesn’t press on it.

Philip thinks it should worry him that it’s that obvious.

-

What he’s not expecting is for Lukas to come to him, because it’s been so long since Lukas made the first move.

He doesn’t know what to say when he opens his apartment door and Lukas is standing there, distressed, eyes tired and skin dull and his entire body pleading.

“Are you crazy?” Philip hisses, already reaching forward to fist the material of Lukas’ jacket, yanking him inside, but not before scanning the hallway for anybody who might be watching. “You should have called.”

Lukas scoffs, nose wrinkling up, and bites back with, “Oh yeah, like you called me?”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Philip, I was there for you. I need - I need you.”

“You should have thought of that before. Dylan’s coming over. You need to leave.”

He doesn’t want him to leave.

Lukas looks down at him, and Philip could never say no to that look, would do anything to take it away, make it all better.

“Please, Philip.”

“What?” he snaps, wanting so bad to give into him, but he’s entirely too aware of who could be on the other side of that door at any second. “What do you want from me?”

“Can we meet later? I have to talk to you.”

“No, I - I can’t. We’re flying out to see Dylan’s family tonight.”

Lukas raises both his hands and grabs Philip’s shirt, yanks him closer, nearly up on his toes, and whispers desperately against his cheek, “ _Philip_.”

They just stand there, breathing, needing each other, needing each other as much as they did back then, when they were younger. Even with all these changes and all these years, it’s still just each other.

So he looks Lukas in the eyes and smiles. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

Lukas looks lost for another second, then smiles back, then kisses him, quick and secret on the lips.

“You better.”

“Now you gotta get out of here,” Philip pleads, reaching for the door handle, one arm pushing at Lukas’ back.

Lukas doesn’t leave until he gets another kiss, this one lasting longer than all the rest, this one relighting the fire that Philip burns with for Lukas.

Philip watches him leave, and because he doesn’t look away, he catches the way Lukas looks back over his shoulder, giving him a sad little wave.

-

Lukas is drunk, or on his way to being drunk, spewing out angry words, shouting them at the ceiling, keeping his hands on Philip’s waist and keeping Philip close.

“It’s just like high school all over again,” Lukas explains, taking another swig from the bottle before offering it to Philip. “They don’t want anyone knowing I’m gay. They say nobody will want to sponsor me, or put me in any magazine. It’s so - it’s so stupid.”

Lukas tells him everything, and it almost sounds like they’ve gone back in time, to a world much more unforgiving and unaccepting.

Philip tries to reassure Lukas that the world really isn’t like that anymore. Philip sits on Lukas’ lap, straddling him, sharing the bottle with him, telling him, “It’ll be okay.” and “You don’t need those sponsors anyways.” and “You’re super gay, dude, you can’t hide that.”

Lukas laughs, and tells him to shut up, and yanks him down by the back of his neck for a sloppy, whiskey-infused kiss.

“What do I do? I don’t wanna hide anymore,” Lukas asks, hiccuping between words, buzzing against Philip’s lips.

He can hear it, even though it’s not directly said, what Lukas really wants from him, what Lukas wants to hear. A decision to make, a choice, an option - he wants to be given the chance to choose Philip again, over something else.

Philip doesn’t want to be an option though, not when Lukas isn’t one to him.

“You can get any sponsor in the world,” Philip declares, perhaps more enthusiastic than Lukas needs to hear. Even if he could give Lukas a choice, his mind is a bit too fuzzy to say it. “You’re - you’re Lukas Waldenbeck!”

Lukas scoffs, and runs his hands up and down Philip’s sides, and doesn’t meet his eyes. “Lukas Waldenbeck sucks.”

Philip doesn’t think it through, doesn’t mean to say it, doesn’t care that he does say it, and in a way gives it to him -

“Yeah, well, I love him,” he slurs, and curls closer to Lukas’ chest.

All Lukas does is let out a small, exasperated laugh, and press his lips to Philip’s again.

-

After that, Philip tries.

Tries to move on, move forward, grow up, grow together, forget about everything that happened, forget that he loves Lukas, remember that he loves somebody else too.

Because he can say he loves Lukas for the rest of his life, but it will never go anywhere.

So he tries to say it more to somebody who can take it _somewhere_.

He tries to be honest, even though his honesty feels like it’s being ripped from him. One night it gets so bad that he can’t even stand to be in the same bed as him, because he’s not Lukas, because he never will be, because Philip can’t have that, and it gets so bad that he yells, they both yell, almost to the point you can’t come back from.

That’s when he realizes, couples fight and then make up because they want to, because they want to be better, they want to be together.

That’s when he tries to give up, because if he and Lukas were supposed to be together, then wouldn’t they be?

That’s when he spews his honesty.

He tells his boyfriend everything, every little secret - or, almost everything.

He just leaves out the biggest part. He excludes the fact that while this was all happening, while the world was falling apart, he was falling in love with a boy he’s still in love with.

After that, he no longer has to suffer alone, he doesn’t have to make up excuses for why he needs the TV on at night sometimes, why he sits on the bathroom floor with the water running and his head in his hands from time to time.

So then, he shouldn’t need Lukas.

All Lukas could give him is now being given to him by somebody else.

No reason to see him, no reason to hold on.

So why can’t he let go?

-

It’s a whole two months before he hears from Lukas again. Or really, hears _about_ Lukas again.

There’s an online LGBTQ magazine he follows on Facebook, just to stay connected, to read stories that tailor to people like him, written by people who get it.

It’s a stomach-dropping surprise when he sees Lukas’ name come up in said magazine. He’s the feature of the month, his smile gracing their online cover, his full name in big, bold letters, followed by the phrase, ‘Riding Wild - And Out’.

After the shock wears away, and after putting it off for a few days, Philip finally clicks the link and reads it. He wasn’t sure why he was so hesitant before, because a few words in and he can hear Lukas’ voice, and he can’t believe it’s Lukas speaking.

He can’t believe Lukas did it. Lukas made a choice. Lukas decided.

So could they? Be together?

More importantly - should they?

He reads the interview, and hopes it answers the question for him.

_Q: What made you decide to come out?  
A: Because why not?_

_Q: What was the hardest part?  
A: Knowing everyone would change their opinion of me, but I think I’m rad, so who cares._

_Q: Do you have a boyfriend?  
A: Single as can be._

_Q: Then what do you look for in a partner?  
A: Funny and trustworthy. Being cute sorta helps, too._

_Q: So are you searching?  
A: Not really, not anymore._

_Q: You mean to say that there’s no hope for any readers out there?  
A: Haha. Maybe just one._

It’s Lukas speaking, and Philip can hear his voice, and he can feel somewhere in his chest what and who he’s talking about.

His smile fades.

His heart starts to hurt.

He exits out of the interview, clears his internet history, and tries to act like he didn’t read it.

Because now instead of answers, he just has more questions.

-

It’s a horrifying moment, one he can’t believe he hasn’t experienced yet.

When you’re sitting on the couch, in the arms of someone who loves you, and they mention your future like it’s a guaranteed thing, and you have to remind yourself that that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

That you’re not supposed to think the opposite.

His boyfriend talks about more, about children, about careers, about houses, and Philip never once thought about any of that before, because he never truly believed that this would last. He just always thought -

He had hoped that maybe by now somebody else would have asked him, wanted him, chosen him.

He agrees to the more that his boyfriend asks of him, because he finally realizes, finally lets himself admit . . . nobody else is ever going to ask.

-

Philip sort of has a boyfriend, who sort of wants to spend the rest of his life with him, who sort of wants to put a ring on his finger, and Philip sort of wants to say yes.

He does, he might, maybe, if he can first find a way to say no to Lukas.

It’s just hard to do that, when they keep finding each other. In this city full of millions, miles apart, with separate houses and separate homes, no matter the distance all it takes is a few steps and a knock on the door and then they’re where they belong - together.

He’s drunk, and a bit too naked, and so is Lukas, even though they really shouldn’t be drunk and naked together. Philip really doesn’t know how to make it stop, and even if he did, he doesn’t think he would.

Maybe he says it to make Lukas jealous, maybe he says it to kick Lukas into action, to put the idea in his head, to make him make Philip his one and only choice.

“It should be you,” he says, words slurring and quiet, either because it’s a secret or because he really can’t control his words right now. He can’t control a single thought. And not because of the alcohol, but because of Lukas, and his warm and familiar and haunting body right next to him. “I wish it were you.”

He used to be so afraid of digging up the softer parts of his heart for Lukas, admitting what he’s really feeling, thinking, because Lukas never takes it the way he wants to. But he wants Lukas to hear, to feel it all, to agree.

He must not, because Lukas shakes his head, and pulls away from Philip’s body, leaving him cold and breathless, with marks all over his neck.

“Stop, Philip.”

Philip reaches out for him, fumbling hands skating the edges of Lukas’ body, not understanding why Lukas wants to stop, what he wants Philip to stop doing.

He can’t stop wanting Lukas. He’s tried.

He can’t stop from hoping for more, needing more. He’s trying now and he can’t.

“I know you want me,” he thinks, and somehow says it outloud, not meaning to. “I read - your interview. It was about me, right?”

Lukas is touching him again, which is a good sign, because that means he’s not leaving. He runs a soothing hand up and down Philip’s ribs, up and up and up to touch his neck, his chin, his cheek. He gives a little shrug, but says nothing else.

“You can say it.”

Say it, just say it, just admit it like I am -

“Does it matter?” Lukas finally asks, his hand now still on Philip’s face.

Philip turns his head, and lets out a sad, heavy sigh.

“No, I guess it doesn’t.”

-

The ring is pretty and simple. He never let himself imagine something so wholesome, traditional, and - _official_ wrapped around his finger. Nothing about his life has been wholesome, or traditional, or official.

It feels weird, a bit awkward, but he reasons with himself that’s because he’s never worn a ring before.

It also feels wrong, but he gives himself a week or two to move past that.

After that week or two, he decides he might just need all of eternity to convince himself it’s right.

He just needs confirmation, another voice added to his, telling him it’s not supposed to feel right, that he shouldn’t have said yes, that he’s making a mistake.

He needs Lukas to look at him and make his decision again, but to this time choose Philip.

Philip walks the miles and passes the people, and finds his way to Lukas’ apartment. Just like always, just being near him makes everything else feel calm and quiet.

The way it did when they were seventeen, alone in a barn with chaos outside and everywhere.

The way it does now, even when Lukas answers the door and is wearing pure fire and anger clear across his face.

“ _No_.”

Philip is leaning against the doorframe, looking up, eyes pleading. “Lukas -”

Lukas’ eyes dart to his hand, the left one, the ring that’s shining and bright. “I already know. Helen told my dad.”

“Just - just listen to me.”

Lukas grabs his hand forcefully and holds it up to his face, and spits out, “Why don’t you listen to your fiancé?”

“Lukas - please,” he tries, and follows Lukas inside when he turns away from the door.

“What do you want?” Lukas shouts, marching his way through his apartment, never looking at Philip. “I can’t - I can’t help you anymore, Philip.”

Philip grabs onto his shoulder and turns him around, is quick to put his hands where they’re needed, around his arms to still him, stop him, make him look and listen.

He swallows down the hardness in his throat, afraid to say this but he has to say this, this is all he means.

“Just tell me not to, and I won’t.”

Lukas looks down at him, eyes hard and cold, his mouth unmoving. Then he says slowly, the slightest glimmer of something hopeful in his voice, “What?”

Philip moves one hand to grab desperately at Lukas’ shirt, tugging him closer. “Take it off. Just take it off,” he begs, in a low, dark whisper. His heart is hammering faster now than it was when the question was asked, when he said yes to something he meant no to.

“I can’t, Philip.”

“I didn’t - I don’t want to -”

“You know I’m never gonna ask you, right?”

That throws him off balance, has him tipping over, has his hand faltering in his desperate grab for Lukas. He locks eyes with him, and says sternly, “I don’t care, just stop - stop denying me.”

Lukas’ mouth curls into a snarl, his eyes sharpen, he takes a step back and snaps, “Why? You can’t deny that you’re in love with this guy, can you? It’s over, Philip, it has to be over.”

“Yeah, well if you hadn’t left -”

“It could have worked if you wanted it to work -”

All those old fears, all those thoughts put to sleep, so Philip wouldn’t have to hurt from them - they’re all coming out now, and it makes him feel raw, and gutted, like he’s bleeding.

He fights back harder, against his most dangerous attacker. “You _wanted_ to leave,” he shouts, and shoves at Lukas’ chest. “How was I supposed to be fine with you choosing to leave me?”

“I wasn’t leaving, I was doing something with my life. Which you wouldn’t know anything about, ‘cause you’re just some college dropout, who can’t settle on - on anything!”

Philip drops his hands by his sides immediately, and feels every part of his entire being harden, but throughout the hurt, and the bleeding wounds, he has a sense of knowledge. He knows exactly what Lukas is doing.

I’ve done it to you - _hurt you so you don’t want me._

“I know what you’re doing,” Philip says lowly, breathily, still feeling like he’s been punched. “It’s not gonna work.”

Lukas lets out a staggered breath and turns away.

Then he says what Philip has been waiting to hear all these years.

Philip just didn’t know it.

“Why would I ever want to be with you, when you can’t even choose me?”

It’s not what he was expecting, or what he wanted, but it’s exactly what he needs. Suddenly, the ring on his finger symbolizes so much more than just forever with someone he’s in love with.

It symbolizes the choice, and how it was always Philip’s, and how he never made it be Lukas.

It was never up to Lukas.

Philip keeps his eyes trained on his ring, and says to it, “You’re right.”

He makes another decision, his own decision, one he doesn’t really want to make, and turns around and leaves.

-

It’s always been up to him.

He’s been wanting Lukas to choose him this entire time, not even realizing that Lukas had and did and it’s _him_. He’s the one who just never tried.

When Lukas left, he could have held on, instead of pointing fingers and getting mad and shoving him away.

When they couldn’t work, Philip could have found one of the million paths that lead back to Lukas and he could have made it work.

When he was asked that question, he could have (and should have) said no, because he can never say yes to somebody who isn’t Lukas.

It’s not easy undoing the work that years of distance created. He does hesitate, and he does second guess himself, and he does stare down at the ring that doesn’t feel like it belongs to him and wonders if he’s fighting for the right thing.

All paths just lead to Lukas, no matter what step he takes.

He should have done all of this when he was younger, but he’s doing it now, and even if it’s all a mistake, even if he’s a few years too late -

Well.

_I’ve tried searching, I even moved planets._

_But there’s not another you in the universe._

It’s not really a choice then, when it’s already been decided. Through all these years, it’s been one name and one person and one pair of hands and eyes and lips.

It was Lukas then and it’s Lukas now.

Because Lukas understands, and Lukas gets it, and Lukas makes everything that’s dangerous feel safe. Like his words, lips, eyes and hands can stitch up any wound created, and heal everything that’s been hurt prior.

No ring can symbolize that.

So he gives it back.

The walk feels longer now, he has to break out into a run, and dash through the people and the crowds and crosses all those miles. Without the lie wrapped around his finger, he feels pretty much weightless again. He feels seventeen.

He isn't though, so he has to get there faster because he should have been there sooner.

All this time he's been waiting, waiting for Lukas to say it, when all this time Philip has been screaming it, and now it's time to tell, time to promise, time to be honest. Maybe that's why it just never worked - Philip had to learn how to do that. He's ready now.

Except for the fact that Lukas isn’t home when Philip gets there, and Philip isn’t sure where he is, but he can wait. If Lukas has been waiting for him for years, then what’s a few hours?

He sits, and he waits, and after what feels like a decade, there’s the sound of footsteps and keys jingling and Lukas saying his name.

“Philip?”

Philip looks up, and he’s already smiling, every beat of his heart another beat in choosing Lukas.

When Lukas smiles in return, Philip knows he’s being chosen right back.

Even though none of this is really a choice, it can’t be, because hasn’t it always been each other?

Being together was already long ago decided.

Now it just finally feels -

Right.

**Author's Note:**

> Also [here](https://lukalip.tumblr.com/post/155085099376/you-in-the-universe-philiplukas) on tumblr! Reblog to spread da word if you wish ❤️
> 
> Check out the amazing artwork Ilana did for this story! [here](http://ladysofialara.tumblr.com/post/155821380080/lukalip-you-in-the-universe%22) and [here](http://ladysofialara.tumblr.com/post/155359508000/from-you-in-the-universe-by-lukalip-thank-you%22)!


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